In the relationship between the sexes, there is a kind of loneliness called "pseudo-intimacy". This feeling is that two people are more lonely together than the loneliness of being single. It seems to outsiders that they are a loving couple, but in fact they are keeping a close eye on each other.
In psychology, the definition of pseudo-intimacy is that many people’s emotional connection is in a very shallow state, and then they are in a state of inaction.
The characteristics of this stage are: both parties tacitly agree that this is a normal relationship, and both of them maintain emotional numbness.
On the surface, they appear to be balanced and harmonious, and their relationship remains peaceful and stable for a long time. In fact, they are defending each other.
No one wants to take the initiative to show their true emotions to each other, try to avoid conflicts caused by running-in, and there is no flow of emotions and happiness brought by emotional communication and interaction.
Unable to trust each other; lack of awareness of oneself and each other's primary or secondary emotions.
For example, if a girl behaves inexplicably in a relationship, it may seem like a trivial matter that would not make most people lose their temper, but she will feel “You don’t care about me.”
Boys will feel unreasonable and unreasonable for some reason, and thus feel that their personality is being attacked, they will not understand each other, and the quarrel will escalate and conflicts will arise.
Almost all the “inexplicable” things in life are because one party’s original emotions have not been well comforted.
But when you are really angry, who cares if she has been hurt before?
Before you get angry, ask yourself,
Do you really understand each other? Is it a real need?
Have we entered into an antagonistic relationship of mutual attack and defense, or have we truly developed an intimate relationship of mutual love?
Want to improve? , you need to have the awareness to learn and change.
Acceptance and recognition.
Steve Shi's "Fake Intimacy" once described pseudo-intimate relationships like this:
'I want a lot of money, because with money, others will will respect me, so what I need is respect;
I want my husband to be very dedicated, because he will only treat me well and make me feel that he values ??me, so what I need is respect;
I want a lot of beautiful clothes and bags, because only when I dress beautifully, others will recognize me, so what I need is recognition. ’
Be honest about your true inner emotional needs and tell him what you want. Even if he can't give it, you can still maintain an independent mentality and fight for it bravely.
If we want to get out of fake relationships, we need toWhat needs to be changed is the previous communication model and thinking model. Part of it belongs to the other party, and part of it belongs to oneself.
For example, if your first reaction was ‘no, no’ when your partner brought up an opinion, it would most likely turn into violent communication.
If you change now:
First listen to what the other person means;
Then empathize with why the other person said that;
Then On the basis of respecting the other party (tacitly assuming that he is not hostile), affirm the other party's point of view;
Then talk about your own opinions and feelings.
In fact, the other party can feel that your attitude is to accept and try to understand him. He will also try to accept and understand you, thereby bringing the relationship into a positive cycle.
When communicating, content is second, trust and love are first.
If you want to get out of a fake relationship, you need to create a safe environment. Then you need to make each other aware that no matter what happens, No matter what happens, you value the trust and love between you.
In other words, when a conflict arises, don’t insist on proving yourself and suppressing and slandering the other party. Instead, choose two people to face and solve the problem together.
To achieve this, you must first learn to control your own negative emotions and not pass them on to your partner.
When one party is in a bad mood, the best thing the other party can do is to show empathy and understanding.
For example, ‘I know it’s hard for you, and I understand you. So I will never forget what happened just now. I also hope that you can talk to me about anything, so that we can face and solve the problem together. Okay?’
When one party does something right, we need to express appreciation in a timely manner.
Roland Miller mentioned in "Intimacy": 'People prefer people who are more likely to accept them. Frequently expressing appreciation and gratitude can make the other person feel that you like them very much. ’
If you want to put each other at ease in a relationship, be the one who expresses love and appreciation first. When he does something beneficial to the relationship, such as taking care of you when you are sick or helping you accomplish something, thank him for his efforts and tell him that you appreciate what he does and understand him. This will make the other person love you more and put the relationship into a positive cycle.
Therefore, as mentioned in "Fake Intimacy", regard self-growth as the core goal of intimate relationships . At the same time, take off the disguise.
If you have enough ability and courage, then you can try to establish your own rules of the game, promote your values, influence and change the people around you, in endless learning, dialogue and reflection middleKeep growing.
You can find a like-minded partner, and you will have an organic, growing relationship.
In this environment full of variables, a solid relationship does not rely on clinging to it, but on continuous learning and adaptation. This is true freedom in an emotional relationship. ”
