It is impossible to become friends with people you have truly loved.

Even if I watch it again, I still want to own it again.

So I have always thought that "being friends after a breakup" is a false proposition.

Think about it, do you two really lack friends that much?

No, this is often because it is difficult to accept the "emotional withdrawal" after a breakup, and you have to make excuses for your continued dependence on the other person.

"Can we still be friends?" = "Can we have a legal status to continue dating."

But it should be noted that in most cases of real breakups, "Friendship" isn't really friends at all.

01 What you think is "being friends" is that he is perfunctory, and you are deceiving yourself.

I recently met a girl who wanted to win back her ex-boyfriend, which was very interesting.

In the private message, he said that he wanted to win back his ex-boyfriend and told me that he was emotionally stable now. They were friends that I could relate to, but I didn't know how to move forward with the relationship.

Then I saw a screenshot of their chat (part below)

Well, if you're reading this, you've probably been scammed. Or you know that the other person doesn't want to chat with you, but you are still lucky enough to chat with the other person.

In this way, the other party may try to make your emotions gradually transition and reduce your guilt in a roundabout way. This kind of "fake politeness" is actually a way for the other party to gradually cold-bloodedly bully you.

Do you think this will give you a chance? Wrong.

He doesn’t seem to reject you, but he sets clear boundaries for you in every aspect. Once he wants to make more progress, he will make excuses or pretend not to see it.

If you are like her, you are still friends after a breakup, but you are often perfunctory, then the more proactive you are, the lower your sense of value will be. In the end, you will become less and less interested in this relationship. You have to become more and more passive and aggrieved, and then completely explode, or leave disappointed.

Stop being modest!

Even if you really want to save the other person, there is a more honorable way. Don't kneel if you can stand up, otherwise it will only speed up the opponent's distance from you.

Of course, there is also a situation where the other party does not shy away from being perfunctory, and even often takes the initiative to chat with you. What does this mean?

When we have a relationship with a person, it means that we need him.

On the contrary, if we don’t need a person, we don’t need to maintain a relationship with him.

So for people who can still be friends after falling in love, it’s mostly because you have a lot of value that he can’t let go of, so at this time he needs an identity to rationalize his behavior of contacting you.

His choice to be friends with you is actually a subconscious and unconscious "value acquisition", such as:

Emotional value: After breaking up, does he haveHave you ever been treated like an emotional trash can? He rarely shares happiness with you and often lets you pour out his emotions when he is frustrated. Social Value: The two of you have a lot of social interaction. If there is no context in life, how can he walk gracefully in the world? Sentimental Value: If you want to change your identity, you can irresponsibly claim your sentimental value. He loves your adoration, adoration, appreciation, and approval. At this time you will wonder why he left me, because I am of great value to him.

Two possibilities:

a. He needs more than one value. You only meet the value requirements of being a "friend", but not the value requirements of being a "partner".

The other person only begins to feel your sense of value after they are separated from you

.

So have you discovered it? How valuable you are is not the critical factor. The key is how much the other party can feel, how much "sense of gain" they can have because of your value.

No matter how rich or handsome you are, you have first-class resources and excellent character. When the other party has all this, they often don't have much sense of value.

Because many times, "value" is like air. When you have it, you often can't feel it. But when you don't have it, you have a strong sense of absence.

So this is why your ex comes to you.

If you want to win back each other, you must first understand whether the two of you are true friends now, or whether you are just pretending to be polite. Different relationships require different recovery strategies.

It is recommended that you think about your relationship from the following directions:

Communicate proactively: Who usually initiates the communication between the two of you? Who ends first?

Content of communication: Do you use many greetings and expressions when chatting? Or is it really a discussion of a certain field?

Communication atmosphere: When your chat is about to end, is the other person’s emotional state relaxed and comfortable, or tired and restrained?

Competitive advantage: Do you have unique value to them? Not copyable?

Emotional exposure: Is he openly expressing his true emotions to you?

These questions can wake you up instantly and face reality. In fact, breaking up represents a kind of "emotional downgrade". Real friends have a relatively low sense of defense against you, and the threshold for doing something is naturally lower.

1) Interpret important information in communication.

First of all, you must learn to communicate. Communication is about the cycle of you coming and going.

In other words, real communication is more important than speaking!

It is important to understand what the other person is saying. Only by understanding the other party's words and analyzing the purpose and motivation of his expression can we truly understand the other party's needs at this time.

In fact, what we are talking about often includes four dimensions:

Information dimension: the information I want to convey to you.

Relationship dimension: Why should I tell you this? What is our relationship?

Self-Disclosure Dimension: Who do I want you to think I am?

Dimension of demands: What do I want you to do for me?

When you use these four dimensions to observe the other party's communication with you, you will be surprised to find that many words are not just literal.

Two examples:

A: "You are excellent, I am not worthy of you."

In the information dimension, he is just praising you. He even praises you by belittling himself; but from a relationship perspective, what he means is to keep a distance from you and push you away; from a self-disclosure perspective, he wants you to feel that "I am a very good person". Bad people cannot be changed." And exposing this is not necessarily out of inferiority, it may also be an excuse to escape. This is what he wants from you: stay away from me.

At this time, you go to comfort the other person, saying that you are not bad, you are the best in my heart, etc., etc. It's all nonsense. Because what the other party wants to hear is "I respect your choice, but I think no one is perfect, and many things can be solved through good communication."

B: "I still love you Yes, but we are not suitable to be together.”

In terms of information, he expressed two meanings, one is that you are attracted to him, and the other is that he does not want to be with him for some reasons. get along with each other; but in terms of relationship, he said that this actually means to continue to have an ambiguous relationship with you; from the perspective of self-exposure, he wants you to feel that "I am the one with the right to choose"; finally, what he wants from you Yes, you can maintain your ambiguous feelings for him in case of emergencies.

At this time, if you compromise and agree, or you argue with him, why we are not suitable, what are the reasons why we are not suitable. It's useless at all, because the key is that he thinks he is the one with the right to choose. What you have to do is break his cognitive inertia and catch him off guard. "Then you are too miserable. You can't even change the person you like."

This aggressive approach is likely to stimulate the other person's rebellious psychology. At this time, he will tell you that he has done it. No matter how much effort you put in, the results are not as good as you imagined. This is also a way for you to get more information.

Once he is angry, showing his emotions to you shows that he really still cares about you. Often it's just a missed opportunity.

So, understanding the other party’s true wishes and learning to answer questions that break the other party’s expectations will help you achieve effective communication and make your communication atmosphere more relaxed.

2) Guide the relationship to upgrade and return to ambiguity.

When you feel that the communication atmosphere between the other party and you has become relaxed, natural, and sincere, you can try to guide the relationship to upgrade.

Don’t wait any longer at this time, especially girls. Don’t think that boys can joke with you or tell you jokes.A sign of getting back together with you. uncertain.

At this stage, you need to upgrade your ambiguous relationship, which is also a process for him to gradually give up his worries about breaking up with you.

Since we are friends, the best way is to arrange a "group activity" with mutual friends.

Why not make a private contract?

First of all, the success rate of invitations to group activities is higher, because the other party may make various excuses for private appointments. And group activities are often hard to refuse.

Secondly, in your common circle of friends, everyone acquiesces in your relationship. Naturally, during activities, you will unconsciously create some ambiguous atmosphere, some jokes, and some physical contact for you. , will appear natural.

Of course, the most important thing is that in this activity it is best to have 1-2 people of the opposite sex with whom you have a good relationship, which can arouse each other's competitive jealousy. Your ex can only clench their fists silently while you talk and laugh with them. Driven by this kind of atmosphere, his possessiveness towards you will instantly increase dozens of times.

Of course, the most important thing is that when facing him, you must smile, be generous and decent, and truly treat him as a friendly friend. This activity is performed 2-3 times. You can tease him with words, but you must restrain yourself in behavior. This stage is about upgrading your friendship to an ambiguous relationship.

Depending on a person's sensitivity to intimate relationships, there must be an ambiguous stage from friend to partner. Don't try to achieve success in one fell swoop, or you may end up in a stranger's position.

After he accepts this ambiguous setting, this stage lasts about 2-4 weeks, and then he can close the net. At this point, it’s time for you to set boundaries.

3) Set psychological boundaries

The result of ambiguity is not to be completely happy, but to let the other party know one thing. If he is just your friend, what he treats you will always be "occasional" use rights, not "absolute ownership".

At this time, you can remove the two steps of "ambiguity" and "friend" and let him choose between "stranger" and "partner".

Of course, you are not required to tell the other party, but to pass this status to the other party.

There is a formula that can be used, called: language support + action avoidance.

What does it mean? That means you can occasionally joke with him and talk about some light topics with him. But when he needs you at a critical moment, you need to retreat and give him a strong sense of loss.

For example, you can "fish for three days and dry the nets for two days."

In terms of rhythm, you can take the initiative three times, but the next two times must be that he is looking for you, and you have to answer indifferently.

In terms of content, you can only tell 50% of the facts, leaving 50% of the other party’s imagination for them to figure out on their own.

For example, when the other person is most interested, you can say, "I met some strange people today.Good thing, I'm not in the mood right now. ”

When he asks you “What’s wrong, can I help you?” "

You flinched, "There's nothing to say. I don't want to add to your emotional burden. As a friend, I just want you to be happy. ”

This is verbal support + action retreat. The more restrained you are at this time, the more irrational he will be.

Do you understand?

Finally , I want to say one thing, don't "dare to come back" because of "fear of losing friends". In fact, any "friends of the opposite sex" are unlikely to last, let alone your ex's silence and attentiveness. It will become the motivation for him to quickly find a new love.

Whether it is a friend or not, you have to let him gradually understand one thing:

“I am still here, but I will not always be there. ”